


it's just you and me

by jhoom



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Child Abuse, Homophobic Language, Implied Top!Dean, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Internalized Homophobia, John Winchester's A+ Parenting, M/M, Suicide Attempt, high school!au, implied bottom!Cas
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-11-17
Updated: 2017-11-17
Packaged: 2019-02-03 17:36:29
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 19,027
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12752994
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/jhoom/pseuds/jhoom
Summary: Dean and Cas come together because of a shared love of vlogging, but personal issues almost drive them apart. Over time, they learn they’re stronger together than they are apart.Based on the prompt: Angsty fic where Dean & Cas are youtubers (not very big) Cas cuts and Dean helps him stop. Everybody ships them but dean is disgusted and homophobic but doesn't know that Cas is secretly in love with him. Later Cas makes a 'last video' if you know what I mean. You can also add your own twist if you'd like! I just need some good burn right now





	it's just you and me

**Author's Note:**

> So if you follow me on tumblr, you're probably at least a little aware of this fic. It started out as a prompt fill, but it ended angsty and I got some requests to continue it. So I did, and boy oh boy did it keep going.... What you have here is me collecting all the various posts together into one place. They're in order, unedited, and not beta read. I've put cuts between the different installments (partially because there's almost always a time jump or a POV shift), but please remember that the original post came _months_ before the rest of the series, so there might be a tone shift. 
> 
> Please be very mindful of the tags on this fic: there is a suicide attempt as well as physical and emotional child abuse. The characters involved spend most of the fic dealing with these issues and trying to overcome them, but things can get dark at times. There is definitely a happy ending, but they have to work to get there.
> 
> Come visit me on tumblr [@jhoomwrites](http://jhoomwrites.tumblr.com). I'm pretty active there, even when my ao3 is quiet - I post new ficlets almost daily, and if you like this series, I am currently in the middle of two new tumblr series (high school reunion and a prostitute!dean one).

****Dean and Cas are only sort of friends.

They go to the same school and they have a lot of classes together, but Cas likes to keep to himself while Dean’s more outgoing. Dean’s pretty sure they only still hang out because they were friends in preschool, but he thinks they’re starting to outgrow each other. Which is too bad; Cas might be weird, but he’s still pretty fun to hang out with.

When Dean sees the cuts on Cas’ wrists, he doesn’t know what to do. Cas sees Dean eyeing them and pulls his sleeves down, begs Dean not to tell his parents or anyone else. Against his better judgement, Dean promises to keep quiet about it. But he’s not going to let Cas just keep hurting himself, so he starts hanging out with Cas more. Invites him along when his friends hang out, offers to come over to his place to do homework, and drives him to school in the Impala.

That’s how Dean finds himself getting roped into Cas’ videos.

It’s not a big deal, really. Dean’s been vlogging for a year or so. He does reviews of new and classic movies and sometimes gets Sam or Charlie to act out scenes with him. He doesn’t have a lot of subscribers, but it’s fun. Turns out Cas has his own vlog, but he talks about healthy snacks. He goes to local farmer’s markets, makes his own trail mix, orders from online companies that specialize in organic snacks, and then reviews them.

It starts as Dean guest-starring on Cas’ videos. Cas makes a healthy treat and Dean taste tests them. Cas’ viewers love him, saying he’s super funny. They actually migrate over to Dean’s channel and start watching him there, too. Eventually enough of them beg for Cas to show up for a movie review that the two of them agree. It’s actually perfect, since Cas has no movie background, so Dean can give his fanboy review of movies while Cas can give an outsider’s opinion.

And it’s _awesome_. Dean secretly likes it. He gets to hang out with Cas trying mostly delicious food (Dean’s still upset about the vegan bacon and that he had to taste it with his own mouth ugh), and he gets to share his favorite movies with Cas. Bonus, Cas doesn’t seem to be hurting himself anymore.

It goes downhill pretty quickly.

All it takes is an offhand comment from John. Dean’s dad finds them in the basement, watching Blade Runner and yes maybe they were sitting closer together than was strictly necessary. But Dean likes to be close so he can watch Cas out of the corner of his eye to see if he’s liking the movie; so he can hear Cas laugh or gasp or basically anything else.

“Didn’t know you ladies were having a slumber party down here,” John says as he flicks on the light. He stares pointedly at Dean until Dean scooches over to the opposite end of the couch. Then John nods and disappears after grabbing a few beers from the spare fridge.

The next week, Dean gets an earful about ‘watching himself around other boys or people might think he’s a fag.’

“Wouldn’t wanna give people the wrong idea, would you?”

Dean just keeps staring at his dinner and doesn’t answer, just pushes the mashed potatoes back and forth.

Then the YouTube comments start.

_You’re so cute together!_

_I’m so glad you started putting your boyfriend in your videos!_

_omg i had no idea my two fav bloggers were dating_

On and on they go. Dean deletes every single one of them, even turns off the comments on the videos Cas is in. He doesn’t think his dad cares about his videos, but _if_ he checks on them or _if_ someone they know says something, he can’t have it be about that.

Dean still remembers the black eye he got when his dad caught him fooling around with Benny.

The problem is, he can’t do anything about Cas’ videos. If Cas notices or cares about the comments, he doesn’t say anything. So Dean doesn’t say anything. He doesn’t want to make it awkward.

They have this idea to do a live Q&A video. Cas has made Star Wars themed snacks to go along with their review of Rogue One, and it seemed like a fun way of talking about both. Dean should’ve known better. Should’ve had people submit the questions ahead of time instead of doing it live.

_dexpeach150: how long have you two been dating? because you make a really cute couple :)_

“Oh,” Cas says. “We’re not-”

“I’m not gay,” Dean interrupts. Probably a little harsher than he should’ve, but oh well. Better to get it out there. “I’m not into dudes, and I’m definitely not into Cas. So I’d really appreciate if you guys would _stop_ bringing it up. We’re just friends who do videos together.”

And then, because he can’t fucking stop himself, Dean doesn’t leave it at that. Oh no, he goes on. “I wouldn’t even date Cas if I were into dudes. Which I’m not, so it doesn’t matter. I like girls. I’m not a fag.”

“O-okay,” Cas finally says after a long pause, voice shaky and expression unreadable. “Let’s take a few more questions.”

Cas is quiet when they finish up, but Dean doesn’t stay to try and smooth things over. He has to get _out_. Has to go home and hide and ignore the way his head and his chest hurt whenever he thinks about Cas or his dad or liking boys.

He doesn’t like boys.

He _doesn’t_.

Fuck.

Later that night when he gets an alert saying Cas has posted a new video, Dean’s willing to get out of bed to watch it. He sees the title “Last Video: Goodbye” and his heart just about stops. His hands are trembling as he clicks play, but he only gets about a minute in before he’s sprinting out the door. He doesn’t even bother to answer his father or his brother as he grabs his keys and goes.

He calls 911 on his way there. It’s probably reckless to be speeding and on the phone, but he doesn’t really give a shit right now. Dean’s an asshole and he’s hurt someone he cares about and he _will_ fix it. If the Impala gets banged up or he gets hurt in the process, so be it. He’ll gladly take that as his penance if it means Cas is alright.

Dean gets there as they’re loading Cas into the ambulance. He looks awful, pale and sick but definitely _alive_ so Dean calls it a win. Cas’ parents hug Dean and thank him for helping, and it makes Dean feel even worse because he’s pretty sure he _caused_ this.

They won’t let him ride in the ambulance with Cas, so he follows along in the Impala. He doesn’t know what he’s going to do, but when he can, he’s going to apologize. Tell Cas he’s sorry for being a dick, sorry for not being a better friend, sorry for not helping Cas get real help earlier.

And maybe after some soul searching, he’ll eventually be able to tell Cas the other stuff, too. Like that he wishes they could sit _closer_ when they watch movies together. That there are times Cas has flour or sugar on his cheek from baking, and all Dean wants to do is lean down and lick it off him. That when he’s nervous during their videos, he wants to reach over and hold his hand to calm down.

Maybe someday he’ll admit he’s his father’s son, but that doesn’t mean that he has to be like John Winchester. That it’s okay to be gay or bi or whatever he _is_ , when he figures that out. That it doesn’t make him any less of a person. That he shouldn’t have deny part of who he is to have his father’s love and respect, and if that’s the way John’s going to be, maybe he doesn’t deserve _Dean’s_ love and respect.

Maybe someday Dean will be able to do all that, but not today.

Right now, he’s going to focus on making sure Cas gets better. Then he can worry about himself.

~ ~ ~

Cas is in and out of consciousness for a while after that. He’s under suicide watch for a few days at the hospital, but even then he doesn’t feel up to leaving. They give him a private room in the psych ward and get him into therapy.

At least that’s what they tell Dean once he’s finally allowed to visit.

He comes every day right after school, bringing Cas his school work. Cas probably isn’t up to doing it, but if he is, Dean wants it all there for him. Cas is a good student, he wouldn’t want to fall behind. So he goes to all of Cas’ teachers and gets assignments and extra copies of books and even makes copies of notes for him. Because it’s the absolute fucking least he can do.

“Your boyfriend getting any better?” Balthazar says, expression bored as he hands Dean that day’s English notes for Cas.

Panic shoots through Dean, but he forces it down. It’s so the wrong idea and it hurts more than Balthazar could know to even imply it. Between Dean’s own issues and now with this Cas stuff on top of it, it feels like a knife to his chest to hear anyone refer to Cas as his boyfriend. Instinct has him wanting to lash out and correct Balthazar, but he doesn’t. He has to be better about this.

“I hope so,” he says instead.

He knows Cas’ schedule pretty well by now. Dean’s visits happen to coincide with when Cas’ is exhausted after therapy. He’s almost always asleep when Dean arrives, and if he isn’t, Dean leaves everything with one of the nurses.

“You know,” Pamela says one afternoon. “I bet Castiel would appreciate some company. Bet it’s kinda lonely, just him and his parents and us.”

There’s no denying that he misses Cas. They’d become a big part of each other’s lives over the past few months, and not seeing him makes Dean feel empty and lonely. But he’s a coward, unable to face Cas. How could Cas ever forgive him? Dean knew Cas had problems with cutting and he hadn’t told anyone, and then there’d been that night…

“I can’t stay,” Dean stutters as he backs away from the nurse’s station. “I uh… I gotta get home. Watch my kid brother.”

It’s a terrible excuse, even though it’s not a total lie. Dean does like to be home when Sam gets back from school, but when Cas is asleep Dean stays for a half hour or so before taking off. There’s no way Pamela hasn’t noticed the connection.

“Alright.” Pamela seems skeptical but she doesn’t push. “I’ll just tell him the cute boy who always visits stopped by. Again.”

Dean’s cheeks heat up and he stammers a goodbye before practically running away.

The other nurse in that wing, Missouri, is the one who offers a suggestion.

“I know you might be scared of talking to him,” she says quietly as she walks him to Cas’ room. He’s already been assured that Cas is asleep. “I don’t blame you, but you ain’t doing anybody any good by staying away. Take some baby steps, alright? Talk to him while he’s asleep. Get some things off your chest. It might help you build up your confidence to do it while he’s listenin’.”

He thinks that’s kind of silly, but he does it all the same.

First he tells Cas that he’s sorry about what happened and sorry he’s a coward for not coming when he’s awake.

The next day he tells Cas that he misses him and wishes he could take that stupid day back more than anything. He even goes so far as to promise he’ll make it up to him, though he doesn’t know if that’s possible.

Then he tells Cas about how big a dick his dad is and that he’s pretty sure that’s why he’s turning into a dick about the whole gay or bisexual or “whatever the fuck’s wrong with me” thing.

“Pretty sure you’re the first boy I’d want to date if I dated boys. But don’t hold your breath or anything. Don’t think that’s happening anytime soon. Not unless I want another black eye from my old man.”

It gets a little easier each day, but not so easy that Dean’s willing to stay on those days Cas is awake. Cas’ll listen when he’s asleep, but Dean very much doubts he’d want to even look at Dean when he’s awake.

This goes on for a couple weeks. Dean’s not sure how long Cas plans on staying in the hospital, but selfishly he’s glad. Whenever Cas goes home, he’s pretty sure that’s the end of it. He’ll maybe see Cas in school, but he fully expects Cas to completely ignore him. It’s what he deserves after all. For Cas to pretend Dean Winchester doesn’t even exist.

Dean is completely blindsided when he steps out of Cas’ room one afternoon and sees his father at the end of the hall. He’s talking—loudly—to the nurses. Pamela and Missouri both look like they want to grab him by his ear and escort him out, but they’re politely trying to handle his demands.

His mistake is standing there in the open. Dean hesitates instead of ducking back into Cas’ room to hide or maybe making a break for the back stairs. John catches sight of him and pushes past the nurses and Dean shrinks in on himself. He can tell from the look in his father’s eyes that he knows. Knows Dean’s been sneaking off to visit Cas at the hospital, probably assumes they really are dating and that Dean’s been lying about it.

“Boy,” John growls as he grabs Dean by the scruff of his neck and jerks him away from Cas’ room. “What are you doin’ visiting this faggot in the hospital? I oughta tan your hide for lyin’ and leaving your brother at home alone. That what you want, Dean? You want Sammy gettin’ hurt because you’re here with your good for nothing boyfriend?”

“Sir,” Missouri snaps as she pushes herself between Dean and John, forcing him to let Dean go. Despite their size difference, Dean gladly cowers behind her. It won’t do him any good in the long run, but he can’t help but want a buffer between him and his dad. “I don’t tolerate that kind of language in my hospital—”

“Your hospital? Ain’t you just a nurse?”

“Ain’t gonna matter what I am when I call security and have you not only removed but banned. Now as I said, sir, that kind of language isn’t acceptable, nor is putting your hands on people, especially not minors. I will ask you kindly one more time to lower your voice and be civil, or I will have you removed.”

John sneers at the woman. “We were just leaving anyway. Ain’t that right, boy?”

Dean jumps, startled that John even remembers him with the way he’s glaring at Missouri. “What?” he squeaks.

“We’re leaving. And we won’t be causing these people any more trouble, since you won’t be coming back and I won’t be forced to follow you to prove it.”

If he goes home right now, with John angry and already smelling like cheap booze, Dean’s not sure how it’ll end, but it won’t end well for him. Probably not for Sammy, either, if John really gets going.

“I don’t want to leave yet.”

John blinks at him. “What you say?”

“I said, I don’t want to leave. I haven’t even seen Cas yet.” The last part is a lie, but he’d rather face Castiel’s deserved anger than John’s unwarranted rage.

“You aren’t seeing that boy again.”

“You can’t make me.”

His father’s face goes bright red and Dean flinches. Missouri’s still between them, but it doesn’t exactly make him feel any safer. John seems to remember their audience, because instead of the outburst Dean’s expecting, he gets a cold and dangerous warning.

“You either come back home with me right now, or you don’t come home at all.”

It’s not the first time Dean’s heard that ultimatum. It’d been a common threat ever since he was eight. Every time, he’d immediately caved because no matter how much Dean hated it, he couldn’t leave Sam alone with John. And it’s not like Johns terrible all the time. Only when he gets worked up, and Dean carefully avoids those triggers.

But it is the first time he imagines it: he imagines not going home and having to walk on eggshells around his dad. He imagines being able to relax at home and not have to worry about finding his dad passed out, blackout drunk, on the couch. Or John not coming home for a couple days when he’s on a bender. Or being able to join clubs at school because he doesn’t have to worry about Sam being alone with their dad without him there.

It’s a really fucking nice picture.

“Then it looks like I’m not going back home,” Dean says defiantly. There’s a spark of fear when he sees the words register, but he stands firm. Enough’s enough.

Security guards appear with Pamela hot on their heels, and before John can so much as lift his hand, they’re grabbing him.

“Get off me!” He flails uselessly as he gets dragged away. “That’s my son! I got rights!”

Dean watches until his father’s out of sight, then turns to Missouri and Pamela. “Can you guys make sure they hold him long enough for me to run home and get my brother? I can’t leave him there…”

“Considering that I’m about to call Child Services, that shouldn’t be a problem,” Missouri says as she puts a steadying hand on Dean’s arm. That’s when he realizes how badly he’s shaking. “You okay?”

“I uh… I think so?”

“You have somewhere you and your brother can go?” Pamela asks.

“No,” he admits. “I can call my Uncle Bobby, but he lives a few hours away.”

“Well, you go home and get your brother. You call your uncle and get stuff sorted out with him, and in the meantime you stay at a friend’s house, okay? We’ll keep your dad as long as we can, but we can’t hold him forever.”

“Yeah.” Dean swallows. He can do this. “Yeah, okay.”

He stares longingly at Cas’ door for a minute before thanking Missouri and Pamela one more time, then he heads off. As much as he wants to tell a sleeping Cas about standing up to his dad, he’s got to take care of Sam. Maybe next time he visits.

Maybe he’ll even stop by when Cas is awake.

~ ~ ~

Cas and his therapist met almost daily at first. Cas understood that, truly he did, but it was embarrassing. Most kids don’t _need_ therapists; didn’t that mean there was something wrong with him?

“What’s wrong with asking for help if you need it?” Chuck countered during one of their sessions. “If my car breaks down on the highway, I ask for help. Sure, there are some people who can fix their own cars, but not everyone can and there’s nothing shameful about that.”

“Well what if I want to learn to repair the car myself?” Cas snapped.

Chuck smiled at him. “That’s part of what we can do. We can work on strategies to help you cope with your depression and issues of self worth. We can even look into medication if that’s a path you want to take. Whatever the road to recovery is, I’ll help you get there and teach you how to _stay_ there.”

Admittedly, Cas _did_ want to get better. It was exhausting having to listen to voices in his head tear him down and tell him how pathetically useless he was. It’d be nice to make them stop.

And maybe it’d be nice to stay alive too.

~ ~ ~

“So,” Chuck said one day as Cas sat down. “I hear someone’s been coming to visit you.”

Cas blushed. It’d only been a matter of time before Dean came up, and really he’s surprised that it lasted as long as it did.

“That’s what I hear,” he answered tersely.

He’d never been awake for Dean’s visits, not really. He might have never known about them at all, thought them nothing more than wishful thinking or a dream if not for Pamela’s teasing him about his cute boyfriend.

“You haven’t spoken with him?”

“No.”

“Has he spoken to you?”

Well that was a tricky question to answer. Cas has certainly heard a few things while he’s been asleep, but it was a lot easier to assume it was his mind taking the sound of Dean’s voice and putting in the words he _wanted_ to hear. It wasn’t like the _real_ Dean would ever open up to him or care about him or truly be sorry; it was just some sort of wish fulfillment.

“No.” Then, because he knew Chuck would ask anyway, he sighed and added, “He only comes when he knows I’m asleep. He brings my homework, leaves it on the table, stays for a little while, then goes.”

“All before you wake up?”

“Yes.”

Chuck leaned back in his chair, fingers steepled together as he considered Cas. “Why do you think that is? Your parents tell me that you and Dean are friends, that he was the one that told them to call the ambulance. He gets your school work for you, visits you more often than your parents do… Why wouldn’t he want to talk to you?”

Cas snorted. He liked playing with the toys Chuck left out on the table, and today Cas grabbed the Rubix Cube to keep his hands occupied and avoid looking at Chuck. “That’s an easy one. He feels guilty.”

“Guilty?”

“That I’m in here in the first place. Dean was probably the best friend I ever had, as pathetic as that is, but he was a real jerk to me that night. Going on about how fucking _wrong_ it is for boys to date other boys and how he’d _never_ date me. I wasn’t even _trying_ to date him! I just liked having a friend! And even _if_ I’d wanted that, he didn’t have to be a dick about it! Like I was something so _beneath_ him! What, was I his friend out of pity? Fuck Dean Winchester! I don’t need his pity or his guilt or his stupid homework assignments or his fake friendship!”

Castiel realized he was yelling at cut himself off. Didn’t seem fair to Chuck that he was bearing the brunt of Cas’ anger.

Chuck was quiet. “You’ve never told me about the night you took the pills.”

At least he wasn’t making him talk about Dean more.

“Yeah well…” After a few useless turns of the cube, Cas let it fall into his lap. He was terrible at these things. “Maybe I didn’t want to talk about it.”

“We’re talking now, though. So maybe you _do_ want to talk about it, but weren’t ready yet. And if you’re still not ready to talk about it more, that’s fine. I’m very happy you were able to open up to me as much as you have, and I know that it takes courage to talk about our low points. All our instincts tell us to forget about them, bury them deep inside, but that just lets them fester. Airing them out is the best way to break them apart and make it so they can’t hurt us anymore.”

“I guess,” he mumbled. Honestly, he _did_ feel a little better now that he’d shared his anger with someone. He’d gotten it out, and even if it still made him upset to think about, it wasn’t as bad as before. “Can we talk about something else?”

“Sure, Cas. What do you wanna talk about instead?”

~ ~ ~

Chuck suggested keeping a journal. To write down his feelings and thoughts, to notice any patterns that were causing him to fall further into his depression or were reinforcing his bad habits. Any time he caught himself writing about how worthless he was, Cas could try to see what had lead up to those thoughts and make adjustments.

“Do I… do I have to show it to you?”

“It’s your journal. It’s up to you who you share it with. If it’s something you want to keep private, I won’t pressure you to show it to me.”

One evening after a particularly vivid dream of Dean, Cas woke up with a start. Without thinking, he grabbed his journal and started writing.

_Dear Dean,_

_Were you really even here? I feel like I know it when I’m asleep but it’s so fuzzy when I wake up… But that’s exactly what you want, isn’t it? You want things to be easy, that’s why you act like a coward and only visit when I can’t call you out on your bullshit—_

On and on it went, a letter he’d never send to Dean but that he desperately needed to write. He kept it up: on days Dean visited, Cas would write him a letter talking about the things he _thought_ he’d heard.

_Your dad sounds like an asshole._

_Maybe you should bring Sam to visit if you’re worried about him being on his own._

_I wish you_ **_would_ ** _stay to do your homework._

 _I lied to Chuck. I wanted to date you. I think I did, anyway. I thought you were someone you aren’t, and I liked that. You made me feel worthwhile and special. Then you said those things and I just don’t know who you are anymore. You tore me apart in a fucking live video, and then you didn’t even apologize. And now you try to make it up to me with these stupid visits instead of a_ **_real_ ** _apology._

_I don’t think I’d date you now even if you asked._

~ ~ ~

He was dreaming about Dean, something pleasant, when shouting woke him up.

It was scary, hearing someone else’s fury. And confusing, because who the hell yelled like that at a hospital?

Then he recognized the voice.

Oh no.

There was no thought, no plan, as he eased himself out of bed and walked tiptoed to the edge of the door to hear better and maybe see out the window. Any hopes that he might still be dreaming are dashed when he sees Dean, his dad, and one of the nurses right outside his room.

Dean looked absolutely terrified. He was _shaking_ , cowering in front of his father as the man yelled abuse at him. He’d never been a fan of John, something about the man making his skin crawl, but he’d _never_ see him this bad.

“We were just leaving anyway,” John sneered at Missouri. “Ain’t that right boy?”

Great. Now Dean would leave and never come back to the hospital. The slim chance that he might actually stay to talk to Cas was gone, a hope Cas didn’t know he’d clung to until now when it was ruined. Dean Winchester was about to step out of his life forever—

“I don’t want to leave yet.”

Wait, what?

“You aren’t seeing that boy again.”

“You can’t make me.”

“You either come back home with me right now, or you don’t come home at all.” John looked so smug as he gave the ultimatum, his ultimate trump card that would have Dean bowing his head and mumbling an apology.

John must be _really_ drunk if he couldn’t read the willful defiance in Dean’s eyes.

“Then it looks like I’m not going back home.”

Holy shit. _Holy shit_.

Cas started to feel dizzy. He backed up until he hit the bed, then fell on it. Dean stood up to his dad. Dean stood up to his dad _for Cas_ . He wanted to _keep seeing_ Cas. What-what did that mean? Were all the things he thought he heard true? Had that really been Dean going on about his dad and wanting to date Cas and maybe not being straight but being unsure and confused about it?

The only thing that had made sense to Cas was if it’d been his imagination. But apparently Cas wasn’t the only one who’d changed since The Incident. Dean had been dealing with his own shit, he was struggling in some of the same ways Cas was, and maybe he wasn’t the same person he’d been when he’d said those awful things.

Maybe they could still be friends. Maybe—

He forced himself to calm down. He did a few breathing exercises Chuck had showed him, willing his heart rate to calm down and trying not to pass out. There was no room in his head to think about Dean or John Winchester or what might come next. All there was was the next inhale and exhale.

When he’d regained some semblance of control, the first thing Cas noticed was how quiet it was. John and Dean were likely gone, and it was just him. That was probably for the best. If Dean really wasn’t going home, he had a lot of things to worry about other than Cas, and Cas couldn’t really begrudge Dean for wanting to take care of his brother first.

 _You’re not worth his effort or attention, anyway, of_ **_course_ ** _he left you again—_

 _No,_ he corrected himself. _I am a human being who deserves to be loved. Dean caring about someone else doesn’t change how much he cares about me._

Whatever was going on with Dean’s family, Cas could be patient. But one thing was absolutely clear: he needed to talk to Dean.

~ ~ ~

Cas is both unsurprised but incredibly disappointed when he doesn’t see Dean again for the rest of his stay at the hospital. Logically, he understands that Dean needs time to handle whatever’s happening with his dad. Emotionally, though, it’s harder to process it without his fears and doubts taking over.

_Maybe it was just for show. Maybe he doesn’t want to see you again. Maybe he changed his mind about what he said. Maybe he’s back with his dad because he knows his dad is right about how worthless your friendship is—_

“I think,” Chuck says tentatively, “that you should talk to Dean himself before jumping to these conclusions. The longer it goes without seeing each other, the more it’s hurting you to speculate. I know you’ve been doing a good job talking yourself down and trying to look at it objectively, but I also know it’s hard to live in a vacuum. Dean’s truly the only person who can set the matter straight, so I think it’s incredibly important to your growth that you talk to him.”

“But what if—?”

“No matter what Dean says or thinks, you have to respect his perspective. But _knowing_ his answer is a lot better than _guessing_. Whatever happens, you’ll have a definitive answer that you can help you make decisions. If he’s open to it, you two can start to repair your friendship. And if he’s not…” Chuck shrugs. “Then he’s not worth the mental time and effort you’ve expended in him, and we can help you firmly move past this chapter of your life and look on to new and better things.”

It makes sense, but it doesn’t make Cas any more eager to seek out Dean.

 _Don’t lie. You_ **_want_ ** _to talk to Dean. You want to go back to the way things were when you made videos together and you could pretend he was someone who cared. The problem is you_ **_know_ ** _it’s never going to be like that again. No more videos, no more hanging out at each other’s houses, no more seeing each other all the time. Dean’s got better things to do, more_ **_important_ ** _people to worry about right now like his brother. He doesn’t need a pity friend—_

“Fuck.” Cas punches his pillow a few times (it doesn’t help) before grabbing his journal and furiously writing out a list of reasons why he matters and why he’s allowed to want things for himself. He even spends some time doodling things he _does_ want.

He wants to cook and do his videos again.

He wants to talk to his fans and other vlogger friends again.

He wants to be in his own room and catch up in his classes.

He wants to see Dean again and ask him a million questions.

… He wants to throw Dean against a door and kiss him senseless and demand to know why he’s not good enough for Dean.

He probably shouldn’t do that last one.

~ ~ ~

Cas goes two Dean-less weeks before he’s finally released from the hospital. His parents are overjoyed that he’s back home and at the progress he’s making in therapy. He’s on medication now to help combat his depression, and though it leaves him tired, it seems to be helping. The intrusive thoughts are easier to push aside and ignore, he feels more motivated, and his anxiety’s getting manageable.

“Not enough, apparently,” he says as he stares at his phone. Dean’s number’s still there, just waiting for him to reach out and ask the other boy to come over.

His parents decided school might be a little much for him right now, so he’ll be finishing up the school year with private tutors at home. It’s not ideal, but Cas thinks it’s probably for the best. Except that means there’s absolutely _no way_ to see Dean if he doesn’t reach out.

“You can do this. Just send him a text message. Ask how he’s doing. If he doesn’t want to talk to you, he won’t respond.”

He manages to type out _Hello Dean_ before he freaks out and deletes it all.

As much as he _wants_ to talk to Dean, it appears today isn’t the day.

~ ~ ~

He’s woken up by his phone buzzing. At first it’s only one or two pings, and then so many that he’s worried he’s actually missing a call. When Cas grabs unlocks the screen, though, he finds a cascade of text messages.

_Dean (7:15 am): hey cas hope ure doing okay_

_Dean (7:16 am): heard u got outta the hospital so i wanted to check in_

_Dean (7:17 am): if u want to hang out some time to talk lemme know_

_Dean (7:20 am): this is dean btw_

_Dean (7:20 am): in case u deleted my # or smthng_

_Dean (7:20 am): which u had every right to_

_Dean (7:20 am): in fact u can just ignore all this_

_Dean (7:20 am): this was stpd i’m srry to bother u_

_Dean (7:20 am): i’m prbly the last person on the planet u wanna talk to_

_Dean (7:21 am): but just in case_

_Dean (7:21 am): i’m here if u wanna talk or meet up_

Cas stares and stares, re-reads everything so many times that the phone locks. He frantically opens it back up and types out the only thing he can think.

**_Cas (7:40 am): shouldn’t you be in class?_ **

He knows waiting for an answer is going to be _agonizing,_ but almost instantly his phone vibrates in his hand.

_Dean (7:40 am): i am_

_Dean (7:41 am): some things r more important_

His head feels fuzzy as he tries to process that. Dean thinks talking to _him_ is important?

_Dean (7:43 am): so do u wanna talk sometime?_

_Dean (7:43 am): cuz i got a lot to say and i feel like i should say it in person_

_Dean (7:45 am): and u prbly wanna say some stuff to me_

_Dean (7:46 am): but like only if u want to_

_Dean (7:48 am): shit ms mills is totally about to take my phone i’ll check in later_

That gives Cas plenty of time to consider before he has to answer. He _wants_ to see Dean, there’s no use denying that, but he’s scared. There are things _he_ should probably say to Dean, but what could Dean want to say to him?

He wanted to do it in person, too. That had to mean something, right? Dean wouldn’t want to talk to him in person just to say mean things.

_He’s said mean things before._

**_Very_ ** _mean things…_

There was no denying that. Dean’s visits to the hospital made it seem like he felt bad about what he’d said that day, and Cas desperately wants to believe that’s the case. But if it isn’t, and Dean goes back to saying the types of things he did before…

Cas opts for the safest plan he can think of.

**_Cas (8:18 am): why don’t you come over for dinner tonight_ **

**_Cas (8:19 am): i’m sure my parents would like to see you_ **

**_Cas (8:23 am): you can bring sam if you want_ **

With his parents there as a buffer, he can use dinner to try and gage what Dean wants. If it goes poorly, he can avoid being alone with Dean. If it goes well, then maybe they can talk privately on the porch before Dean goes home.

To avoid staring at his phone every few seconds, Cas forces himself to get out of bed. He eats breakfast, showers, even does a few math problems before he even considers checking to see if Dean’s answered.

_Dean (8:59 am): awesome — i’ll be over @ 7 ?_

_Dean (9:01 am): prbly no sammy tho, he’s helping uncle bobby at home_

**_Cas (10:05 am): 7 is fine, i’ll see you then_ **

Now Cas just has to figure out what he actually _wants_ to say to Dean…

~ ~ ~

Castiel’s parents are delighted to hear Dean will be joining them for dinner. It makes him feel guilty, because to them Dean’s the boy who befriended their son and called 911 to save him. They don’t know about the _other_ stuff, the things Cas deliberately hid from them; if the did, he suspects Dean would _not_ be welcome in their home.

Lying to his parents then was a lot easier than it is now. Their obvious excitement is hard to bear when it runs in opposition to his own nerves.

 _At least if they’re in a good mood, they can carry the conversation,_ he points out.

 _They_ **_shouldn’t_ ** _be, though._ **_You_ ** _need to talk to Dean. They can’t do it for you. They don’t even know half of what you’d need to talk about._

 _… What_ **_do_ ** _we need to talk about?_

That’s a complicated question to unload, so Cas puts aside his homework and instead takes out his notebook. He spends an hour or so doodling, drawing random patterns in the margins, before he finally forces himself to write a list.

_Things Dean and I should talk about:_

_— If we’re still friends_

_— What Dean said that night_

_— What I did that night_

_— Dean’s visits to the hospital_

_— His dad_

_— That I like him_

_— Set some ground rules for the future (IF we decide to be friends)_

There’s probably more, but those are the main things. Writing the list had been a good thinking strategy, but as he practices a few conversations in his head, the prospect of actually talking about one let alone _all_ of those topics leaves Castiel feeling drained and anxious. If the first bullet point goes badly, then there’s no way Cas would find the strength to go through the rest of them.

 _Well then just focus on the first one,_ a voice that sounded very much like Chuck’s said. _Work on repairing your friendship, if that’s what you both want. And as you get more comfortable, you can bring up the other things._

He could do that much. It should be obvious by the time dinner’s done if Dean wants to resume their friendship. And there’s no rush for the other stuff, right? Castel isn’t obligated to follow any timeline but the one he sets for himself. Dean will simply have to respect that.

All his confidence disappears when he hears the doorbell ring.

“Castiel, get the door, please! We’re setting the table, you boys can come right back to the dining room!”

He checks through the peephole to see if it really is Dean (of course it was) and takes a moment to collect himself. This is a big step, no matter how it goes.

After a deep breath, he opens the door.

“Hello Dean.”

“Hey Cas.”

Dean looks… he looks good. Obviously as uncomfortable as Cas is, but in all other respects he looks very good. Dean was never skinny, but it looks like he’s put on weight. Not at all in a bad way, in fact it seems more like he’s eating properly for the first time. Now that Castiel’s actually paying attention, Dean’s clothes seem less frayed and torn than before. That’s a _new_ shirt and a _new_ jacket, and his jeans are clean. There are no dark circles under his eyes, either. It’s Dean, but with these minor changes it adds up to a Dean that is obviously different from the one Cas last saw a few weeks ago.

Dean looks like he’s actually taking care of himself (or perhaps it’s better to say that he’s being taken care of), and it’s startling more because Cas had never realized Dean _wasn’t_ taking care of himself before. Cas begins to wonder how bad things were with Dean’s family. Perhaps Dean’s not the only one guilty of being a bad friend.

_That’s not fair, to yourself or to Dean. It’s an oversimplification at best._

_But it’s still true. I could’ve been a better friend to Dean, just like he could’ve been a better friend to me._

_Maybe we can learn to be better friends together._

“Can I uh… can I come in?” Dean teases, but there’s a hint of fear in his eyes. Like he half expects Cas to punch him or slam the door in his face or god knows what else.

It’s a fair thing to worry about. If they’d met at the hospital before Cas had really talked things through with Chuck and started the journal, that’s exactly what would’ve happened. Now, though, he steps aside. Dean’s relieved smile both warms and embarrasses Castiel, so he turns away.

“My mom’s setting the table. We should probably go help.”

“Okay.”

His mom pulls Dean into a big hug when she sees him, and his dad then does the same. To them, Dean’s the boy who saved their son’s life, and their gratitude shows. Dean’s discomfort with the whole thing is obvious, but he says nothing. Not that Cas can blame him for that, but he can’t help the slightly selfish part of him that delights in Dean’s predicament.

Dinner was mostly alright. Cas didn’t have an appetite (the butterflies in his stomach didn’t leave room for much else), but he pushed his food back and forth as his parents asked Dean about what he’d been up to.

They asked him about school, which was probably the safest topic. Hearing about classes and boring projects he’s missing out on makes Cas feel almost normal. Normal kids are happy to miss school, right?

That gradually shifts to asking about Sam’s brother, and Cas tenses up. He’s desperate to know about Dean’s family.

“I’m glad to hear your brother’s doing so well. On the honor roll _and_ doing drama club? Your dad must be very proud.”

“Actually uh… My dad’s not really around anymore.”

“What do you mean?” Mr. Novak asks. “Is he alright?”

Dean shrugs. “Maybe. He’s in rehab and we haven’t really talked much since he left. My uncle Bobby’s been in town helping out. We talked about going with him back to Sioux Falls, but Sammy and I both wanted to stick out the school year at least…”

It’s very telling that Castiel hangs off of Dean’s every word. Any chance of him denying the crush he’s harbored for Dean is obliterated when he hears the possibility of Dean leaving town. In that moment he knows two things: he wants Dean’s life to be a happy one, which obviously was not the case when John was around, and he wants Dean’s life to intersect with his own.

All too soon, dinner is over. Cas has almost lost his chance to talk to Dean today. After Mrs. Novak refuses Dean’s offer to help do dishes (“You’re a guest, Dean. I wouldn’t dream of it, but thank you.”), Cas is feeling bold enough to walk Dean out. They stand out on the porch, silently daring the other one to speak up before it’s too late and they have to try again some other night.

“I’m sorry,” Dean says. “I should have never said those things. I thought I meant them and I… Even if I did mean them, it was an asshole thing to do. I’ve felt sorry from the moment I said them, but then…” He winces. “And I figured you probably hated me. I was too scared to find out if I was right or not, so I didn’t apologize when I should’ve. But I’m really, _really_ fucking sorry. You deserved better than that.”

He looks at Cas with wide eyes, as though he’s never said anything more earnest in his life.

Cas blinks away tears and turns away. “I’d rather not talk about all that right now. I can’t say that I forgive you, either. I think I can, eventually, but not right now.”

Because forgiving Dean would mean acknowledging that it all happened. It would mean reliving it more vividly than he’s allowed himself to do since that day, and he’s not at all ready.

“That’s fair.” And god, Dean sounds like _he’s_ about to cry, too. “You uh… you think we could… we could be friends again, though? Whenever you’re ready,” Dean adds in a rush. “Like if tonight was too hard, I get that, and I’ll back off. But is there any way we ever go back to being friends who vlog together again? Even if it’s months or—” Dean gulps. “Or years from now?”

That gets Cas’ attention; his head snaps around and he gapes at Dean. “You want to do that again?”

“Well yeah. It was fun. And I miss hanging out with you.”

Cas was always convinced their friendship was based solely on pity.

Is it still?

“Dean…”

“No, it’s cool. I get it. You don’t wanna… That’s fine. That’s—that’s fine, Cas. I’ll stay out of your hair—”

“I didn’t say no.”

“… Wait, so you—you… _yes_?”  

“I think the videos might be a good idea. I haven’t really gotten to talk to people aside from hospital staff, therapists, and my parents in a while. And it’d be nice to get back in the kitchen.” The more he thinks about it, the better it sounds. He could go back to doing his own videos, too. He can already hear Chuck’s enthusiastic support of the idea. _“But…”_ he says before either of them can get too carried away, “I think Sam and Charlie should be there for the first few. Just in case. And no more live videos.”

“Yeah, sure.” The criteria doesn’t seem to bother him at all. Dean seems nothing but absolutely excited. “When do you think you’re free?”

“Well,” Cas says wryly, hiding his own smile at Dean’s enthusiasm. “I don’t exactly have school or anything right now. I have therapy, but that’s during the mornings. So pretty much whenever you’d like.”

“Awesome. I’ll talk to Charlie to see what she’s up to. There were some… some cool movies that came out while you were…” Dean fidgets awkwardly. Cas isn’t good at saying it either. They skip right past it, though, and the awkward moment’s gone. “Yeah. But uh, I thought maybe we could… could see them and do reviews? Or make snacks for them? I mean, at least I _hear_ they were good. I haven’t actually gone to a movie since we went to see Lego Batman and you made all those Lego shaped treats.”

Cas blinks. “Dean, that was in February.”

Dean shrugs. “So?”

“… It’s almost May. You really haven’t seen any movies since February?”

“No?”

“Why not?”

“Because you weren’t there to see them with me?” Dean suddenly looks uncomfortable. “Anyway, if you wanna do the videos again, that’d be great. It was fun, right? Maybe it’d be fun again?”

“I think so.”

“This weekend maybe?” Dean asks hopefully.

“This weekend sounds good.”

_Baby steps._

~ ~ ~

“How was your date with your boyfriend?”

“Wh-what?” Instinct kicks in and Dean’s immediate reaction is to deny, to become angry and _loud_ because Dean Winchester does **not** date boys. But then he sees Bobby’s expectant but completely relaxed expression, and he remembers. This isn’t his dad. There’s no sneer or insults or an ‘accidental’ shove coming his way. Not from Bobby.

_It’s okay. Bobby’s curious, is all. Misinformed, maybe, but curious._

He forces himself to unclench his hands and breathe normally.

_Nothing bad is going to happen. It’s alright to date boys if you wanna date boys. And it’s definitely okay to check in with your friend who almost fucking died because you were a homophobic prick. Relax._

“It wasn’t a date,” Dean grumbles as he toes off his boots and puts his jacket in the closet. It’s a good distraction from the way his heart’s overzealous beating in his chest. “Just dinner with a friend.”

“Uh huh.” Bobby doesn’t look convinced. “Sam said it was a date.”

“Sam!” Dean glares at where his brother’s sitting at the table doing his homework. He’s not actually mad—he did his best to keep all that shit their dad said and did away from Sam, so the kid probably doesn’t even know what Dean had to deal with when it came to liking boys—but he’s annoyed that his brother’s talking about his love life behind his back.

Not that Cas and his love life have anything to do with each other. They don’t. Obviously.

Ugh, you know you’re in trouble when you can’t even convince yourself of your own lies.

“What? You were having dinner with Cas, right? Isn’t he your boyfriend?” Sam doesn’t even look up from his textbook, the little shit.

“He’s a boy and he’s my friend, but he’s definitely not my boyfriend.”

Bobby and Sam share a skeptical look.

“You sure?” Sam asks. “You guys spend a lot of time together for two guys who _aren’t_ dating.”

“In this conversation, which one of us would be more likely to know if I’m dating someone?” It looks like Sam’s about to answer, so Dean points a finger at him menacingly. “Don’t. Seriously. Cas and I are just friends. No dating.”

“Why not!?” Sam all but screeches. It’s time like these remind Dean that no matter how mature Sam might be at times, he’s still just a twelve year old kid. “You two are perfect together!”

“Sam,” Bobby interrupts. “Ain’t it past your bedtime?”

The two of them bicker for a bit about bedtimes and homework for a bit. Dean ignores them both and grabs himself some water. If this were John, Dean would be running to his room, locking the door, and praying that they’d forget the whole thing. Talking about it? Abso-fucking-lutely not.

… But bottling this shit up is what got him here in the first place. It’s what had him lashing out at Cas for no reason, it’s what had him putting up with his dad’s bullshit for way longer than he should have, and all it’s done is make him miserable. Clearly _not_ talking isn’t working out for him all that well. Bobby will listen. Bobby actually _wants_ to help and doesn’t have some agenda of weeding out the parts of Dean he doesn’t like.

_If you can face Cas, you sure as hell can face Bobby._

“Hand me a beer, would ya?” Bobby asks once Sam’s dramatically stomped his way down the hallway.

“Can I have one?”

“Sure.”

“Really?”

“No, ya idjit. Now hand me that beer and take a seat.”

They settle in at the table. Dean thinks maybe he should go first, but the words won’t come out. All he can do is fidget uncomfortably.

“So,” Bobby says. “This not-date you had with your not-boyfriend… Was that the boy from the hospital?”

“You know about that?”

Is that good? Bad? How does Bobby even know?

Bobby shrugs. “I talked to your dad a bit before he went into rehab. He might’ve said something.”

Dean can’t help but wince. What the hell type of damage control was he going to have to do? But no, Bobby’s known John for decades. He might not have known how bad things had gotten, but he’d know better than to take everything John said at face value. There’s no judgement or disgust in the way Bobby’s looking at him, so even if he thinks Dean and Cas are a thing, he clearly doesn’t mind it.

_Total polar opposite of Dad. Man I wish I’d stood up to him ages ago… Maybe then Cas and I would be—_

_Don’t finish that thought. There is no way thinking about what could have been will do anything but make you feel worse._

“Talked to Sam about it, too,” Bobby continues. “He didn’t know about the hospital stuff, but he said the boy was your best friend. Or your boyfriend. He wasn’t terribly clear on that.”

“ _Not_ my boyfriend.”

“So you said.” Bobby leans back in his chair, crossing his arms over his chest. “So is he not your boyfriend because you don’t want him as your boyfriend, or because he don’t want you?”

It feels like the floor’s been ripped out from under him. “Wh-what do you mean?”

“Well, is he not your boyfriend because you’re not interested in boys or maybe just not interested in this particular boy like that… or is he not your boyfriend because he ain’t interested in you?”

“That’s kinda… complicated.”

He wants to leave it at that, but Bobby gives him an expectant look. What’s the point of only sort of talking about it? May as well put all his cards on the table.

“At first it was because I… I didn’t like him like that. Or I guess maybe I wouldn’t let myself like him like that, because the last time I liked a boy, I got a black eye for it.”

Bobby quietly seethes at that, but he thankfully doesn’t interrupt.

“But now it’s more… We’re just friends. I’m going through some shit, he’s going through some shit, and we’re maybe… helping each other?”

“So, if I’m to understand you, you’re maybe interested in him now.”

“Doesn’t matter.”

“Why not?”

“Look, Cas doesn’t want me. He deserves way _way_ better, anyway. I was the reason… I uh… I said… I said…” He closes his eyes and definitely does _not_ sniffle. “I said some things I really shouldn’t have, and I’m kinda… I’m the reason…. He… He tried to…”

Dean doesn’t even realize he’s crying until Bobby’s behind him, wrapping him in a hug. Then he just lets it out, doesn’t try to hold back the sobs.

He almost killed Cas. Cas almost _died_ because of Dean. He’s so fucking lucky that didn’t happen and he’s such an _idiot_ for thinking Cas would ever forgive him—

“Look, son.” It’s a shock to his system to have Bobby talking over his self deprecating thoughts, and he briefly stops crying. “You’re young and stupid. That doesn’t excuse you being an ass, but it does mean you gotta forgive yourself. You’re gonna make mistakes, and it looks like this was a big one. You’re trying to fix, and I’m proud of you for that.”

Someone’s proud of him? For _this_? The bare fucking minimum of what he should be doing for Cas—

“Whatever you’re thinking, stop it. I know your dad did a number on you, but you’re a good kid. You hear me, Dean? You’re a good person. Everyone makes mistakes, but it’s how we react to them that shows who we really are. You fucked up and hurt your friend, no denying that. The fact is, though, it takes real guts to go back to that friend and tell ‘em you fucked up and offer to be there to help ‘em through it.

“ _That’s_ what you’re doing, and _that’s_ what you gotta remember. You’re _not_ the boy who hurt someone and walked away because that was easier. You’re the boy who hurt someone by mistake and stuck around to do right by him. _That’s_ what’s important, okay? And I think your friend Cas knows that, since he’s letting you come over for dinner and be his friend again. Word of advice though?”

“Yeah?” Dean croaks.

“Don’t betray that trust again.”

It should feel like a stab to the gut. Instead it feels like a challenge. One that Dean will do his _best_ to live up to.

“I won’t.”

~ ~ ~

The idea of going in front of the camera again is mildly terrifying. Doing it with Dean again? it seems an almost impossible task.

“Well, why not start _without_ Dean?” Chuck suggests.

“I already said we could film this weekend—”

“First of all, you can change your plans. Dean will probably understand. Second of all, that’s not what I’m suggesting. I’ve watched some of your videos… they’re good. With or without Dean.

“Maybe you should go back to your roots and do a few solo videos to build your confidence up. You don’t have to post them if you don’t want to, but it might help ease you back into it.”

Castiel’s not sure how he feels about Chuck watching his videos. Did he watch _those_ videos? The one with Dean and his goodbye—but no, Cas deleted both. Surely Chuck isn’t tech savvy enough to have found them. Instead of worrying about it, he focuses on the positive: Chuck said he looked his videos, and his suggestion sounds like a good idea.

On the way home from therapy, Cas asks his mom to stop by the farmer’s market. She hides a smile as she helps Cas pick out ingredients, occasionally making recipe suggestions. He hasn’t cooked much lately, so he sticks to some simple salads and dressings.

The first video doesn’t go well. As soon as the camera’s on, his hands shake and his voice keeps cracking, and he spills some pine nuts all over the floor. He’s about ready to quit, to text Dean and cancel, but then he stubbornly tries again.

If he’s made it this far in one piece, he won’t be defeated by _this_ . He’s done dozens of videos. He’s _good_ at it. He had nearly a thousand subscribers, people who like his videos and have sent messages and words of support. Cas is _not_ worthless and he’s _not_ going to give up.

The second video’s better. He doesn’t stutter and his hands stay steady. He even manages to smile. The food is lackluster, but it’s edible and it looks nice. He might even post it.

That evening his third video’s a real success. It needs some editing of course, but it’s almost as good as his old videos.

He stays up late that night finishing it up. It’s surprisingly pleasant to lose himself in the familiar process. Just before three am, he’s ready to upload it. He types it a message in the description: a brief explanation of his absence, a thank you to Chuck “if you’re watching,” and a vague teaser that he’ll be back soon with some “old friends.”

The only thing that stops him from posting is that option for comments. Fan comments, no matter how innocently intended, have forced his life to take an unexpected turn. He doesn’t want the same to happen again. Certainly they’ll all about his goodbye video and Dean and ask where he’s been all these months and—

_Deep breaths._

He turns off the comments and posts the video.

~ ~ ~

**Dean (3:05 am): your new video’s awesome!**

**Dean (3:06 am): kinda jealous you did one without me**

**Dean (3:07 am): mostly bc i wish i could’ve had some of the food…**

**Dean (3:08 am): i don’t know how you make SALAD look good**

**Dean (3:09 am): don’t tell sam i said that**

**Dean (3:11 am): pumped for this weekend :)**

Cas can’t stop smiling when he wakes up and reads the messages Dean left for him. Dean must have alerts turned on for when Castiel posts videos, there’s no other way to explain the timing. He can imagine Dean’s phone vibrating with the alert, him grabbing his phone and watching from the comfort of his bed before texting Cas.

It makes Cas’ heart ache a little.

_Cas (9:39 am): what did you have in mind for our first video back?_

**Dean (9:43 am): i’m glad you asked…**

~ ~ ~

Castiel shows up early on Saturday morning at Dean’s house. When they do movie related videos, they film at Dean’s house; Castiel’s kitchen is better, so their cooking videos are always filmed there. It makes Cas nervous to be there—aside from Dean’s room, it’s never really felt like a safe space—but he remembers that John won’t be and that Charlie and Sam will.

_And Dean. Dean will be there. Dean stood up to his dad for you._

_He did it for himself. You were merely the catalyst._

_Are you sure?_

He’s not, and there’s no way to settle the question without actually _asking_ Dean, so Cas pushes it from his mind. There are some conversations he’s still not ready for.

Dean’s uncle Bobby answers the door, shaking Cas’ hand firmly and being far more welcoming than John Winchester _ever_ was. He offers Cas a soda before ushering him along toward Dean’s room.

Even from outside the door, he can hear Charlie’s excited chattering and Sam’s laughter. Charlie’s always been Dean’s friend more than his own, but she’s the type of person who’s friendly with everyone. When he knocks on the door, the wind’s nearly knocked out of him when Charlie opens the door and wraps him in a huge hug.

“Cas,” she whines. “I missed you!”

As soon as she lets him go, Sam’s there to take over. “Me too me too!”

When Sam steps away, Cas and Dean make eye contact. There’s a slight blush on Dean’s cheeks and Cas’ hands itch to hold Dean in a hug. He can’t justify taking those steps and following through, no matter how much the desire burns inside him. Instead he coughs and turns away, instead focusing on all the props arranged on Dean’s bed.

“So what are we doing today?” he asks.

Because they’re so behind in movies, Charlie’s taken over the script writing. She’s written out scenes from movies only she’s seen, and the boys act them out. Then they watch the actual scenes and laugh at how much their own blind interpretations fall short (or in some cases, are much better).

It’s good. It’s _genuinely_ good to spend time with people outside of the medical professionals he’s seen so much lately. It’s good to get outside of the house and talk to people that aren’t his parents but who care about him. And it’s _fun_. Between Dean’s inability to keep from giggling and Sam’s dramatic over the top acting, Cas can’t stop smiling.

And there, with Charlie cackling in the corner as Sam does possibly the best Transformers performance to date, Cas comes to a startling realization: he’s very glad he’s alive.

~ ~ ~

Dean’s dreamed of kissing Cas before. Literally, he’s dreamt about it. At first he’d been terrified. Would John see it on his face? That he’d thought about kissing a boy and he’d kind of liked it?

His terror had given way to relief when John said nothing, and then through sheer determination he’d hoped it’d never happen again.

But it did. Not every night or even every week, but it happened again and again. Fuzzy images of chapped lips brushing against his and his heart swelling happily in his chest. When he woke up in the morning, he gave himself a whole minute to indulge in the memory before he’d forcefully push it aside. Instead he’d remind himself of all the pretty girls at his school and willed away any tender thoughts of Castiel.

Now, though, Dean longs for those dreams. He longs for a world where Cas looks at him with adoration in his eyes, where he leans in for Dean’s kisses and neither shies away from the other’s touch.

It’s more than Dean deserved, but he craves it nonetheless. At least in his dreams, he can get it.

_Maybe someday, if Cas forgives me—_

_Focus on that instead. You have a lot to make up to Cas. You shouldn’t be so focused on dating him._

_Besides, he doesn’t want some closeted dick like you as a boyfriend…_

He doesn’t really have a good counter for that, so he doesn’t bother.

~ ~ ~

Over the next few weeks, he hangs out with Cas as much as possible. They see movies, work on homework together (for once Dean’s able to help Cas out, since Cas is behind and Dean’s at least been going to school, even if he’s been super distracted), do videos, and slowly slip back into the way things were.

Eventually they even stop inviting Charlie and Sam to tag along every time they meet up. Cas seems to trust Dean not to be a jackass again, and Dean does his absolute best to make sure he’s not. Sometimes he can hear his father’s voice in his head, sneering at him whenever he sits too close to Cas or his eyes linger a beat too long, but he doesn’t let it show.

His issues are _his_ issues. Cas shouldn’t have to suffer just because he is.

“Your dad called,” Bobby drawls as Dean steps into the kitchen. “Says he wants you boys to visit.”

He freezes in place right there by the fridge, arm outstretched. All he wanted was to grab some snacks for him and Cas—they’re filming a review of Guardians Vol. 2—and now he’s being attacked with the idea of having to be in the same room as his father.

Some days he can barely stand the idea that they still live in their old _house_ and that John’s still in the same _state_. This is too much.

A hand comes to rest on his back, right between his shoulder blades. “Boy, I’m telling you what _he_ wants. Doesn’t mean he gets it.”

It breaks the spell a little, enough that he can move, and Dean tries to pull away from Bobby. Fuck, he can’t even go hide from this in his room while Cas is here. No way he’s putting this bullshit on Cas’ head—

Bobby guides Dean to the table and nudges him until Dean sits down.

“You listening?” Bobby asks. His tone is firm but his expression’s soft. “Just ‘cuz John Winchester asks for something, don’t mean he gets it. Your dad’s gotta earn the right to see you boys again. If you don’t think he’s done that yet, you don’t have to see him. I’ll respect your decision either way.”

“I don’t want to see him.”

They get reports from the rehab center updating them on John’s progress. He’s not drinking, which is good, but that doesn’t really help. The drinking was only half the problem, even sober his dad was an asshole. Unless he’s in counseling or taking parenting classes, any visit’s going to last about five minutes before John starts harping in on Cas.

Bobby nods. “Alright. I gotta ask because he’s gonna ask, but you wanna talk to him on the phone—?”

“No.” His hands clench, palms sweaty, and Dean desperately wants to punch a wall. “I don’t want to talk to him.”

“I don’t blame you. Don’t really wanna talk to him much myself these days, but I’ll gladly do it if it means you boys don’t have to.”

Dean hesitates. “I don’t think Sam should go see him, either.”

It doesn’t feel like it’s his call to make, but it makes him uncomfortable to think of what John might say to Sam if he got the chance. So far John’s left Sam alone, mostly because Dean’s gone out of his way to distract their dad, but alone and unsupervised… He worries John’ll take his anger out on the only target there.

“While I’m inclined to agree, I’m going to have to let that be Sam’s choice. Kid’s got the right to see his dad if he wants to, even if John’s hanging onto the title of ‘dad’ by the skin of his teeth.” He knocks the table a couple times to get Dean’s attention. “Hey, calm down, would ‘ya? If Sam wants to go, I’ll be there the whole time. I won’t let him say or do anything to your brother.”

A knot in his stomach loosens at Bobby’s reassurance. Dean doesn’t trust John at all, but he trusts Bobby implicitly.

“I do wanna say,” Bobby adds, “that I think you’re handling this whole thing really well. Not just the stuff with your dad, but the Cas thing, too.”

Talking about his dad is awkward enough, but going from John to Cas has Dean squirming in his seat. “I’m trying.”

“Seems to be working. Trust me, that boy needs a friend and he appreciates you stepping up. You’re doing great.”

“Yeah, well, I wish I could do more.”

“Then why don’t you?”

As if it were that simple.

“I dunno. Because I don’t know what more I _can_ do without me and Cas…” He gestures vaguely.

“You and Cas what?”

“Talking? I guess? We only really decided to try and be friends again, and I apologized for the shit that happened but… It feels like there should be more said, but I don’t wanna push if Cas isn’t ready.”

“Well,” Bobby says as he leans back in his chair. “There’s a difference between offering to talk and pressuring him. You let him know you’re there to listen, and when he’s ready, he can.”

Easier said than done. Dean’s not sure he can put himself out there like that again, not if it ends with Cas rejecting the gesture.

There’s a creak in the hallway and Dean immediately straightens up. Cas appears in the doorway, frowning. “Do you need help with the snacks—?”

“Nah, I got it.” Dean jumps back to his feet. He grabs some sodas and chips, ignoring the pointed look Bobby sends his way. Even if he’s going to talk to Cas about their baggage, it’s damn well not going to be with an audience. As quickly as he can, he ushers Cas back to his room.

“Sorry about that, got distracted.”

“It’s alright.” Cas munches thoughtfully on some chips before he asks, “What were you and Bobby talking about?”

_Deflect. Change the topic. Deny anything’s wrong—_

“My dad,” he mumbles as he fiddles with the camera. It lets him keep his back turned so he doesn’t have to see Cas’ reaction to the news. “He wants me and Sam to visit him. I told Bobby I don’t wanna go.”

“Oh.” A pause. “Do you wanna talk about it?”

The irony of the offer isn’t lost on Dean.

“Not much to talk about. My dad’s hit me or yelled at me or called me a fa—called me names one too many times. It’ll be a cold day in hell before I _want_ to see him again.”

Another pause, filled with the chip bag crinkling and Dean clicking on the computer to check the settings.

“I’m sorry your father’s treated you so badly. I know uncomfortable he made me feel whenever I visited, and he mostly ignored me. I can’t imagine living with him.”

Shit, now there are tears starting to well in Dean’s eyes. If he says anything now, his voice will croak and he’ll give himself away.

Dean almost jumps when he feels Cas put a hand on his shoulder. He’s very aware that Cas hasn’t touched him since he left the hospital; by comparison, this feels strangely intimate.

“Dean.” Cas waits until Dean’s looking at him. Dean feels the full weight of those blue eyes staring into his soul, and for a moment he forgets that he’s crying in front of someone who _he’s_ made cry. “I’m sorry for everything you’ve had to go through. It could have easily made you a bad person, but you’re _not_ a bad person.”

How could Cas say that after everything? How could he possibly _mean_ it?

“Cas, I—”

“You’re not.” The conviction in Cas’ voice almost makes Dean believe it.

Almost.

“Yeah, well.” Dean sniffles and pulls away, rubbing at his eyes and thankful Cas doesn’t comment on his obvious tears. “I try.” He coughs and goes back to checking on the mic. He’s already prepped it three times, but he needs to _move_. “You wanna do the closing shot so we can get to editing?”

Cas goes along with the subject change. “Of course, Dean. Whenever you’re ready.”

~ ~ ~

Cas doesn’t mean to eavesdrop. He really doesn’t. But when Dean doesn’t come back, he goes to the kitchen to see if he needs help. It’s not until he’s actually heard too much that he realizes that it _is_ too much, things not meant for him to hear or know. He should go back to Dean’s room and forget what little he’s heard so far…

He doesn’t. He stays there, he can’t help it, and he listens.

Then the conversation turns to him, and he can’t bear it anymore. He takes a few steps back and then walks towards the kitchen as loudly as he can. The floorboards mercifully creak to announce his presence, and then he’s face to face with Dean and Bobby.

When Cas goes home that evening, he considers everything he’s heard. Not just what he overheard in the kitchen, but what little Dean said in his room. It makes Cas think more about John and Dean, how their relationship was more toxic than he’d feared and how it’s done so much to shape who Dean is and the man he’ll become. Bobby’s presence tempers some of that, but in a lot of ways the damage has been done.

Dean will recover, but Cas doesn’t know how you can truly get over knowing your father doesn’t like you because there are parts of you that you can’t change.

The more he thinks, the more he realizes he hasn’t really put himself in Dean’s shoes before now. How traumatizing it must have been to live in a house where he couldn’t truly be himself without fear of reprimand. Or worse. While Dean’s lashing out at Cas was in no way acceptable… he understands it.

_If I were in Dean’s place, would I have behaved the same?_

_Probably not._

_But I don’t_ **_know_ ** _that. I certainly would not be as hopeful and kind as Dean is. I would be a mess, far worse than Dean is…_

It hurts him to know that Dean’s hurting (and boy does he want to give John Winchester a piece of his mind for it). It hurts him even more to realize he is at least in part responsible for that hurting. Dean made a mistake, a big one that almost destroyed everything, but he’s trying to atone for that. As long as Cas denies Dean forgiveness, though, Dean will continue to think he’s a failure and a terrible human being.

_So why don’t you forgive him?_

It’s a simple question, and he expects the answer to be just as simple.

_Because he hurt me._

But that doesn’t sound right. Cas isn’t vengeful or vindictive. He wouldn’t begrudge Dean forgiveness simply out of petty revenge. The more Cas thinks about it, the more he comes to realize that he _has_ forgiven Dean, in his heart at least, and the only thing that’s kept him from actually _telling_ Dean is that Cas feels like they’ve moved on.

He didn’t think Dean needed to hear it, but apparently he _does_.

Castiel can do nothing to fix the problems Dean has with his father, but he _can_ ease the burden Dean carries around because of _him_.

Now that he knows, he can’t stop thinking about it. He _has_ to say something… but aside from just blurting it out the next time he sees Dean, he’s not sure _how_.

As he often finds himself doing these days, Castiel turns to a familiar source of comfort: his journal.

He skips past the first half without even looking. It’s bleak and angry and confused, and Cas doesn’t want to remember those things right now. Later on it’s better, filled with sketches and positive notes he’s left for himself. If this were like his usual journaling sessions, he might stop to read those.

Today he’s on a mission, so instead he diligently turns to the next clean page.

_Dear Dean,_

_I forgive you._

_— Cas_

_P.S. Please don’t hurt me like that again. I don’t think I could recover a second time._

He looks at the words on the page, even the ones he’s crossed out. Staring them in the face, they ring true. He forgives Dean for saying those things and for not standing up to his dad earlier.

_Now I just have to tell him that._

~ ~ ~

The timing doesn’t seem right for the next few days. Charlie’s with them the next time they hang out, going on and on about the play she’s in. They’re only alone when Charlie disappears to the bathroom, and Cas doesn’t want to rush through things so he waits.

The only step he takes is to invite Dean to his house for a baking video later that week. It’ll give them the time and opportunity to talk.

And yes, he obsesses over it every waking moment. He plays out conversation after conversation, trying to perfect what he’s going to say and predict Dean’s reaction. On the day of, he throws out all his plans. He doesn’t want this to sound rehearsed, so he’ll simply wing it.

Castiel’s parents greet Dean and then leave for a date night, leaving Dean and Cas alone in the kitchen. They’re making DC themed pies, with filling based on Wonder Woman, Batman, and Superman. Dean was in charge of picking flavors, but Cas is obviously in charge of the actual baking.

“I can bake,” Dean scoffs.

“You really can’t.” Cas pushes the fruit and cutting board towards Dean. “ _But_ you can cut.”

“Cutting duty,” Dean whines. “Haven’t I at least graduated to making the crust?”

Cas pretends to consider. “You can make _one_ crust. _After_ you watch me make one.”

Dean beams at him. “Awesome.”

His heart most definitely skips a beat.

After modeling the whole process for Dean on the first crust, they each make one together. Crowded around the kitchen island, they’re quiet as they work. Cas considers saying something then, but he can’t quite force the words out around the lump in his throat. Things are going so well right now. Saying _anything_ would break it and destroy the cozy moment they’ve created.

Cas gets lost in his own head, only snapping out of it when stray flour flies across his pie crust. He looks up to see Dean’s shirt covered in flour, his green eyes wide as he stares in disbelief at the mess he’s made.

“Oops?”

“… I suppose we shouldn’t have opted out of the aprons, huh?”

“Guess not.”

Cas rolls his eyes as he goes to get some aprons for each of them. Dean’s busy dusting off his shirt. He looks adorable like that, flour all over him and his cheeks tinged pink in embarrassment.

“Maybe I wasn’t ready for pie crust, huh?” Dean mumbles as Cas comes over and flicks some out of his hair.

“Pie crusts and messes kind of go hand in hand.” He puts the apron over Dean’s head, wrapping the strings around Dean’s back and back to the front, tying it at Dean’s navel. “That’s the danger of working with flour.”

Dean snorts a laugh. “Yeah right. Still probably not supposed to explode.”

“Generally, no.” Cas doesn’t step out of Dean’s space, only now realizing how close they’re standing. He doesn’t want to leave though, so he finds a speck of flour on Dean’s chin and wipes it away with his thumb. “Got flour on you.”

“Thanks Cas.”

Dean’s breath tickles his nose and goosebumps rise on the back of his neck. Still, they don’t step away.

Cas looks up into green eyes and only is able to think how glad he is that he has Dean.

“I forgive you,” he whispers just before he goes on his tiptoes to kiss Dean.

It’s only meant to be the soft brush of lips, but it quickly becomes more. Dean whines into the kiss, his fingers threading into Cas’ hair and pulling him in for more. Cas gladly obliges, hands on Dean’s hips and backing him into the island.

It’s his first kiss. And it’s perfect.

Cas only pulls away when he can’t breathe anymore. Dean’s whole body sways to try and follow Cas as he backs up, but he respectfully lets Cas put distance between them.

“We should get back to the pies if we’re going to finish this video tonight.”

Dean groans. “I don’t care about the pies.”

“Liar.”

“Okay, fine, I do,” Dean pouts. Then shyly he turns away. “Do you really forgive me?”

Cas forces Dean to look at him, resting their foreheads together briefly. “Yes, I do.” Then after a brief kiss to Dean’s nose, Cas finally puts on his apron and goes to his side of the island.

Dean goes back to his pie crust with a dazed expression on his face, and Cas is very pleased knowing he put it there. They keep working; even if Dean’s crust is a little uneven and sticks to the counter when he tries to pull it up, it’s not bad for his first pie crust. While the pies bake, they film some more and edit and try to find good movie clips to show when they try each pie.

It’s almost as if nothing happened, except the glances they keep stealing and the grins they can’t quite hold back. And maybe when they’re sitting in the dining room to taste the pies, their hands brush under the table before clasping together.

~ ~ ~

“I kissed a boy,” Dean blurts out as soon as he gets home. Sam and Bobby are in the kitchen, Bobby reading on his tablet and Sam working on his homework.

“Ohhh, pie!” Sam says as he grabs the leftovers right out of Dean’s hands.

Dean’s both relieved and disappointed that neither of them make a bigger deal over his news. Relieved because they don’t care, they’re not judging or shaming him or worse. Disappointed because _he kissed a boy!_ This is the most exciting thing that’s happened to him probably _ever_ , and neither of them are appropriately thrilled.

(Though based on the look Bobby and Sam share, maybe they _are_ and they’re just holding back so they don’t scare Dean. Dean wishes that weren’t a necessary precaution, but he kinda gets it. If he and Cas hadn’t been building up to this for _months_ , he would _definitely_ be freaking out.)

(… _Is_ he freaking out?)

“So,” Bobby says as he grabs a fork and pokes at the pie to find a piece with more fruit. “You just go around and kiss a random boy or did you kiss _the_ boy?”

Dean makes a face. As if he’d kiss anyone but Cas right now.

(… He really wouldn’t, and that shocks him. Not even the prettiest girl or any of his past crushes. Hell not even 1980s Harrison Ford.)

“ _The_ boy,” Dean says. He sits at the table and tries not to look too eager to talk about it. He probably fails miserably. He _really_ needs to stop smiling.

“So you kissed your boyfriend,” Sam says around a mouthful of blackberry pie. “Big whoop.”

“He’s _not_ my boyfriend—”

“Yeah yeah, he’s a boy and he’s your friend.” Sam’s eyeroll is so big it can probably be seen from space. “Except you kissed him. I don’t know about you, but I don’t go around kissing my friends. Boys _or_ girls.”

Dean wants to argue because Cas is _not_ his boyfriend, but Sam has a point. They’ve kind of passed the boundary of friends and are in some gray area that’s _definitely_ more than friends but not quite boyfriends. Sure, they might be one conversation away from actually _being_ boyfriends (Dean gets chills just thinking about that), but until then, they’re friends and nothing more.

“Sam, quit bugging your brother.”

“Uh, I’m his little brother. It’s _my job_.”

“Well it’s also your job to get good grades, so you mind your homework.”

“It’s done!”

“Can I see it—?”

Sam snatches up the papers to move them out of Bobby’s reach. “I mean, it’s _basically_ done.”

Bobby gives Sam a stern look before turning back to Dean. “This is good pie, by the way. Crust on this one looks a lil’ funny, but it’s good.”

“Thanks,” Dean beams. “The funny looking one is mine.”

“That boy’s teaching you to bake pie now? No wonder you like him.”

That’s definitely a blush heating up his cheeks, but Dean doesn’t argue. It’s really one of the many, _many_ reasons he likes Cas, but Bobby doesn’t want to hear Dean list them all.

“Sam’s right, unfortunately. People tend not to go ‘round kissing their friends. I got the feeling you two would be happy with being _more_ than friends, but given your past history, you should talk that out before either of you makes assumptions. I realize talking ain’t exactly your strong suit—”

“No, I know. We should uh… we should talk about this.”

“Just admit you’re boyfriends,” Sam mumbles not so quietly. “You’ve practically been dating all school year.”

“You know, you’re awfully interested in my love life.”

“So? I like Cas.”

“Well maybe you should stop worrying about me and Cas, and maybe you should get your own love life.”

“I’m not allowed to date!” Sam’s voice is small and defensive.

“I never said that,” Bobby points out. “If you found yourself a girlfriend—”

“Hey, be quiet. I’m trying to do homework here. Stop distracting me.”

“Uh huh.” Bobby musses Sam’s hair and laughs when Sam practically growls to get away from him.

After a moment, Bobby turns his full attention back to Dean.

“Good. And try to talk about it sooner rather than later. You probably shouldn’t do any more kissin’ or anything until after that. I realize I can’t tell you what to do or anything—” Weird. Bobby’s more of a father than John ever was, and all John did was tell Dean what to do. “—but that’s my suggestion, take it or leave it.”

“I know, Bobby. Seriously, I know. We’ll talk. We’re going to Charlie’s play in a couple days, we can talk then.”

“Just text him,” Sam suggests, giving up all pretense of doing his homework. “Or call him. You guys could solve this in like two minutes.”

“This is something we should do in person.” Dean turns to Bobby, seeking his approval. Bobby doesn’t say anything, but his eyes shine with pride. “And the play’s only in two days. It can wait, right?”

Sam pouts but doesn’t argue. Dean fully expects his brother to keep nagging him about it _until_ he talks to Cas, but Dean really thinks this is the best way to handle it. Cas has therapy tomorrow evening, Dean has school during the day, there’s no other good time to do it. He can wait until the play.

Until then, he can make sure things are normal between him and Cas. He can still text Cas during lunch and he can still talk to him about new video ideas. He wants to show Cas things don’t have to fall apart because they’ve kissed; Dean’s not going to freak out and let his inner John Winchester say shit he shouldn’t. He’s got this.

He hopes.

~ ~ ~

The rest of the evening, Castiel’s practically floating. All he can feel is happiness, his usual worry and self-doubt gone. He’d kissed Dean.

And Dean kissed him back!

The morning brings a pit of anxiety with it. Dean was fine last night, but what if he changes his mind? What if something sets him off, some reminder of his dad and how much he used to hate the idea of being with another boy? What if—?

Cas’ phone buzzes.

**Dean (8:05 am): omg crowley shaved his beard wtf**

**Dean (8:07 am): i would totally send a picture but i’m pretty sure he’d catch me**

Cas blinks at the screen a few times before sending a reply.

_Cas (8:11 am): i think it’s worth the risk. something like this requires documentation_

**Dean (8:13 am): i swear if i get detention bc of this**

**Dean (8:15 am): [photo attached]**

The picture’s blurry and from Dean’s seat at the back of the room, but it is most definitely their Civics teacher sans beard.

_Cas (8:17 am): he looks ten years younger_

**Dean (8:18 am): i know right!?**

And like that, it’s fine. Things are normal. Dean’s not lashing out and he’s not distancing himself. He’s not trying to take it back or erase what’s happened as a mistake. Dean hasn’t _confirmed_ it, but there’s no evidence of him freaking out about it, either. For the first time in a long time (possibly _ever_ ), he allows himself to be hopeful.

Maybe he and Dean can be something more.

~ ~ ~

He doesn’t tell Chuck.

That would mean _saying_ it out loud. That would mean talking about it and analyzing and taking all the magic out of it. It’s _Cas’_ kiss, and he doesn’t want to share it with anyone but Dean. Not yet, anyway.

He doesn’t mention it to Dean, either.

That’s a little more complicated. He _wants_ to talk about it with Dean, but the prospect of doing so over the phone when he can’t _see_ Dean’s reactions or over text where he can’t _hear_ Dean’s tone… It makes it impossible. He’ll see Dean at Charlie’s play tomorrow evening. They’ll have a chance then.

In the meantime, he and Dean text back and forth. Their usual chatter: talking about their latest video, planning another one, stupid things Sam’s said, Cas’ upcoming farmer’s market trip, and when they think they can do a movie outing. Nothing about it is strained or awkward; it’s _them_.

It doesn’t make it any easier to wait for Dean to pick him up.

Is this a date? Are they dating now? They’ve kissed and held hands. They talk all the time. It’d be reasonable to think this is a date… Except they planned this _before_ the kiss. It’s just as reasonable to think it’s them going as friends to support another friend.

 _Stop making assumptions._ **_Talk_ ** _to Dean about it. You’ll never know unless you ask._

Castiel remembers months and months ago when Dean started hanging out with him. He’d always assumed Dean did it out of pity. That may have very well been Dean’s initial motivation, but it never _felt_ that way, not once. The only times their friendship ever felt forced when was John was around, his presence almost a tangible weight.

Back then, Cas knew his burgeoning feelings for Dean would likely be unwelcome; he kept them to himself for that very reason, wanting to keep a friend rather than possibly gain a boyfriend. Even if they’d somehow ended up kissing, he would never have been able to bring it up again.

Now he’s almost eager to talk about it. They’re in a good place now, so there should be no reason that things would get awkward. Scratch that. They’re teenage boys in the middle of discovering how they feel about each other. Awkward is a given. There’s no reason to think that this will break them or their friendship, not after they’ve endured so much already.

He hears the Impala before it rounds the corner onto his neighborhood. Cas isn’t sure if he’s disappointed or relieved to see Sam with them. He and Dean need to talk, but there’s no way they’re doing it with an audience. Though having Sam as a buffer will at least buy him time to collect his thoughts; being around Dean tends to make him more flustered than he should be.

Luckily neither brother brings it up. Sam wordlessly gets out of the car and slides into the back seat to make room for Cas, then after they’re too busy talking about who’s in the play and if Jo’s really going to let Ash kiss her at the end of it like she’s supposed to. Castiel settles in, letting their words wash over him.

The whole drive over, Cas’ hand rests on the bench between him and Dean. Occasionally Dean will lay his own hand next to him, their fingers barely brushing.

It makes the hair stand up on the back of his neck and has him licking his lips in anticipation. Surely this is a good sign, right?

As soon as they arrive at the school, Sam jumps out. He shouts something about sitting with his friends before he rushes off, leaving him and Dean alone. Cas looks over to Dean, anticipation building—

A car horn blares as some kids jaywalk across the street to the school. They laugh loudly at the car, walking even slower and otherwise being obnoxious. It’s likely their own friends that they’re annoying, all of it in good fun, but Castiel flinches all the same.

He’s _here_ of all places. He’s about to go back into the midst of the world that left him lonely and broken. All his therapy has centered on Dean and on himself, that he now feels drastically unprepared to deal with the so called ‘real world.’

“You sure you’re ready for this?” Dean asks once he notices Cas’ discomfort.

He’s not, truthfully. Cas hasn’t been back since… Well, _since_ . He’s been out in public. The farmer’s market and grocery store. The mall once for new clothes. The hospital. But no place filled with other teenagers or worse, teenagers that _know_ him.

Being here is an important next step in getting his old life back—he hopes to return to school in the fall for his senior year—and a good way to gauge how the transition back will go. It’s why he’d agreed to come at all. Plus with Dean and Charlie and Sam there to support him, how bad could it be?

Doesn’t make it any less terrifying to get out of the car.

“I’m fine.” The crick in his voice belies his words, but Castiel’s resolve holds. “It’s fine.”

“Okay, well, if this is too much, we can leave and find something else to do.”

Somehow Dean’s hand has migrated all the way over to Cas’; his thumb rubs slow circles over Cas’ wrist, and Cas decides to focus on that point of contact rather than anything else. He can do this. Dean’s here.

He _will_ do this.

“No, really, it’ll be fine. I need to be able to do this if I want to come back in the fall. Now’s as good a time as any.”

He turns his hand over so that the palm is facing up, an open invitation for Dean to hold his hand. Dean does, squeezing Cas’ hand and giving an encouraging smile.

Once again, Castiel finds himself wondering _is this a date_?

They don’t hold hands as they walk from the parking lot into the school. They have to let go to get out of the car, and then Dean’s distracted with finding the tickets and figuring out which side of the auditorium they’ll be sitting on. They wander around the atrium as they waste some time before the show starts. There are snacks available and Dean jokes that they aren’t as good as the pies they made.

Castiel offers a weak smile in response and nothing more.

He’s completely on edge. It’s not the date/not-date issue, either. That certainly doesn’t help, but there’s more to it. Cas hasn’t been around so many people in a while. Especially not people he _knows_. At the mall or the farmer’s market, people ignore him. They’re busy with their own

Here, it’s loud and full of energy… but not loud enough to drown out the whispers nearby.

“Didn’t he try to kill himself?”

“Pills, right?”

“Heard he went off the deep end…”

The voices are everywhere. Eyes are on him. Some of the looks shot his way aren’t even subtle; it’s open curiosity as they try to get a look at the kid who nearly died a few months ago.

“Couldn’t even handle high school? How’s he supposed to make it in college?”

“Did you see his videos?”

“Hey Dean, what’s wrong with your boyfriend?”

The world’s spiraling out of control. Everyone’s judging him and now they’re backing Dean into a corner. They only just kissed, they haven’t talked about it, this is too much too soon. Dean’s always been better in private than public. What happens in public, beyond the two of them, it tends to _ruin_ them—

“He’s not my boyfr—Cas? You okay?”

Dean’s voice is far away, barely getting through to him through the static of his own thoughts. He needs to leave, he needs to get out of here—

“Hey, Cas, look at me?” Dean cradles Cas’ face in his hands and stands close. He effectively blocks out the rest of the world until all Cas can see are freckles on tan skin and gold specks in green eyes. “It’s just you and me, okay? Forget about them. I’m here, and I’m going to make sure you’re alright.”

“You promise?” He so wants to believe it.

“I absolutely promise.” Dean kisses the tip of Cas’ nose and rests their foreheads together. “We’re in this together.”

For better or worse, Cas believes him.

He nods since his mouth won’t cooperate yet. His hands go up and cover Dean’s, seeking more contact. They stand like that for a while; surely they’re making a scene, outing Dean in ways he wouldn’t at all have been comfortable with months ago, but he stays there and patiently waits for Cas to calm down.

Cas closes his eyes and blocks it all out. He focuses only on his own breathing and Dean’s solid presence.

When his heart doesn't’ feel like it’s going to beat out of his chest, he blinks his eyes open and gives Dean a shy but thankful smile.

Their hands slip down together, revealing a near empty atrium. The students taking tickets by the door are doing their best not to look their way, even if their curiosity is obvious. Instead they politely help the other stragglers into the auditorium.

The world isn’t ending. _Cas’_ world isn’t ending. This was a minor setback and now he’s going to face this challenge head on, because he’s stronger than he was before.

And because Dean’s going to help him through it.

“You ready?” Dean whispers. “We can go if you’d rather not stay—”

“I’m ready.” He squeezes Dean’s hand, somewhat amazed that they’re still linked together. “It’s just you and me, right? Who cares about what anyone else is thinking?”

Dean chuckles. “Absolutely. C’mon, let’s see if we Sam saved us any seats.”

He has, and the two of them quickly squeeze their way down the aisle. The lights almost immediately go down, and the two of them settle in. Sam definitely sees them holding hands, but he’s too distracted by the pretty blond and the pretty brunette sitting on either side of him.

As the curtains pull up to start the show, Cas can’t help but think it’s a beginning for him and dean as well.

— fin —

 

* * *

 

 

**Epilogue:**

— The “boyfriend” talk is actually pretty painless. It happens during intermission when they duck backstage to say hi to Charlie. Charlie introduces them to her friends, one of whom knows Dean and asks Cas, “Are you Dean’s boyfriend?”

Dean is obviously flustered, wincing because fuck he hadn’t even remembered to bring it up yet, and now they’ve been put on the spot about it.

But Cas, without missing a beat, nods. “Yes, I think I am.”

Dean looks dazed for a moment before a huge grin lights up his face and he eagerly adds, “Oh he _definitely_ is.”

— There’s more of a conversation after that. They set ground rules for being friends again, after all, and this is so much more. Their requests are pretty simple.

Dean wants Cas to tell him if he’s ever feeling stressed or anxious or lonely or any of the things that lead to… _the incident_ . He _begs_ Cas to tell him if Dean’s ever letting him down as a boyfriend or friend because this is one thing he _needs_ to do right.

In turn, Cas wants Dean to tell him if he ever feels uncomfortable with anything Cas does in public; if it’s too much PDA or if he’s too affectionate or says something he shouldn’t. (Within reason; he’s not saying that Dean can completely ignore him or blow him off. This is strictly related to the transition from friends to boyfriends.) He’ll maintain whatever boundaries Dean sets for how they behave around other people, but he _needs to know_ what those boundaries are.

Then come the joking demands. Holding hands while filming. Kisses for every successful baking attempt Dean makes. Kisses whenever Cas gets a movie reference… Hugs at least once a day for no reason. omg these boys are so soft.

— Cas’ senior year is challenging. There’s no sugar coating that. When Dean or Charlie or even Sam is around (since he’s now a freshman), it’s fine. They distract him from his worries and include him in conversation and activities. But he doesn’t have every class with them, and sometimes his anxiety gets to him.

Very few people _say_ anything to him, but the way they treat him as though he’s made of glass makes it abundantly clear that they know what happened. It frustrates Cas to no end. He’s trying so hard to be normal, but so long as he’s _here_ , he never will be. He’s really relieved when he graduates and gets to _leave_.

— It’s not as though Dean’s senior year is any easier. The Cas stuff, when he’s _with_ Cas, is awesome. When he’s at school and Cas isn’t around… It’s not everyone. It’s really not. It’s just a few boys, a few _bullies_ , who make snide comments to Dean whenever they can.

“Didn’t know you liked dick, Winchester.”

“You taking it up the ass for Novak now?”

“Fucking faggot, pretending you liked girls ‘til you find some guy to blow you.”

He tries so hard to ignore it, but it’s _so easy_ to imagine those words in John’s voice. Worse, it’s so easy for him to imagine _himself_ saying them. It doesn’t help that they prey on his insecurities about his sexuality. _Is_ he gay? Was he just lying to himself about liking girls because John was around and it was easier? He doesn’t _think_ that’s true, but worrying about it keeps him up at night.

Dean manages to go a month and half before he can’t hold back anymore. The next time Azazel or one of his buddies says something, he loses it and pushes the guy into a wall. Which is probably a mistake, looking back. Now they _know_ they can get a reaction out of him, and they only do it more. He throws a couple punches, gets put into detention a couple of times, and only avoids getting suspended because Bobby has a long talk with the principal about it.

They change Dean’s schedule around so he doesn’t have classes with those boys anymore (and the one girl, Abaddon, who never lets up). It doesn’t eliminate the problem, but it helps. Honestly Dean _cannot wait_ to graduate.

— Despite wanting it _so badly_ , neither boy does much to celebrate. Dean and Cas do a graduation video together, their families have a big dinner together, and that’s about it. Honestly that’s enough; they’re too busy looking forward to care.

— Cas has kept writing in his journal, documenting his worries as well as his hopes as he and Dean started dating. After the graduation dinner with their parents, Cas hands the notebook over to Dean. It was always for Dean anyway, even if Cas never truly expected to give it to him.

It has a little ribbon glued to the front and a tag that simply says “For Dean.” At first dean has no idea what he’s looking at as he flips through the pages, but then his eyes go wide as he starts to read. Dean is in awe: even at the lowest point in their relationship, he was still important to Cas. He’s also shocked at how much Cas heard in the hospital and wonders how important it was to repairing their relationship that he talked to Cas then.

He pulls Cas into a hug, too choked up for words. Cas understands.

— Dean goes back to the hospital to thank Missouri and Pamela for everything they did for him and Cas.

— They room together in college. They’ve been through too much already. They don’t want to go to separate schools, they don’t want to be apart. Plus by this point they see each other every day; they’d probably just be bugging their roommates to have their boyfriend over all the time. It’s just practical to be roommates themselves. Right?

— Bobby and Cas’ parents are skeptical when Cas and Dean try to justify it, but they say nothing. They do, however, have a talk with their respective son and send him to school with condoms, lube, and a stern warning to “be safe.” Dean is so damn mortified he can’t stop blushing as Bobby hands over the bag. Cas is touched that his parents are being so accepting and he thanks them for it; he’s seen enough of Dean’s struggles with John to know all too well how differently things can go.

— They settle into college pretty quickly. They _thrive_ on it. They get to see each other all the time, no one looks at Cas like he’s the broken boy who tried to kill himself, and the vast majority accept that Dean’s bi and Cas is gay. There are no snide looks or rude comments or aggressive questions about if bisexuality even exists.

It’s awesome.

— They last two whole weeks before they have sex for the first time. Dean’s so focused, carefully opening Cas up and making sure he’s not hurt. And Cas? Cas giggles the whole time because he’s _so happy_. The sex itself is awkward and messy, sometimes a little uncomfortable and a few times they’re not even sure they’re doing things right, but

— They have sex a _lot_ after that.

— Dean sometimes breaks down crying. He’ll see that one smile Cas has, the gummy one where his eyes crinkle, or Cas will pull him in for a kiss and ask him how his day was, and Dean will lose it. He’s happy and in love, but he was _this close_ to ruining it and losing Cas and he can’t stand how guilty he feels. The worst thing that ever happened to Cas was _his fault_. He almost killed Cas!

There’s very little that can calm him down in those moments. Cas will hold him tight and let Dean cry it out, but he wishes there was _more_ he could do.

— Cas stays in therapy for a few more years, and with Bobby’s help convinces Dean to go. Dean’s come a long way already, but he clearly still has some internalized homophobia and carries around a lot of guilt.

Dean won’t go to Chuck, that feels weird, but he finds someone named Sonny that he connects with. It helps.

— They still do videos, but not as many as before. They finally do another live video with open questions. There are a few about them being together, but it doesn’t end in disaster this time. It’s a huge victory for both of them.

— They graduate college. Dean becomes a film editor. Cas studies business; he opens up a bakery. Dean stops doing his videos, but Cas keeps going. Sometimes Dean’s a guest star, especially if it involves taste testing.

— They get married. John’s not invited.

— At Cas’ urging, Dean does start to talk to John again. It’s not until after college and the wedding, and even then Dean’s still pissed off at his dad. He knows Sam’s talked to him a bit, though the brothers carefully avoid the topic, and he knows Bobby keeps in touch with him. Doesn’t mean Dean wants anything to do with John Winchester.

But Cas thinks it’s a good idea for him to at least get some closure. He suggests what Chuck once suggested to him: write a letter.

“You don’t have to send it, and if he replies, you don’t have to read it. It gives you full control.”

So Dean sends his dad an email telling John exactly how he fucked up Dean’s life and how terrified Dean was that he’d turn into him. He goes off about how angry he is that John caused all this shit to go down with Cas, that he deprived both him and Cas of happiness for a long time because of his thoughtless actions. He talks about all the times John hurt him with his words or his fist, and how there’s no way he can truly forgive John.

Dean reads it over at least ten times before deciding to send it. He figures his dad should know. He doesn’t want John walking around thinking he in any way did right by Dean.

He never gets a reply.

Although Cas is upset that John would _ignore_ his son completely, Dean’s actually okay with it. He said what he wanted to, and he takes the lack of an answer as John silently admitting he can’t do better than he did before. It’s honestly better than he’s ever done by Dean before, staying away since he knows he’ll be a dick, and Dean’s happy about that.

— Cas talks to Bobby about it. He doesn’t _want_ to meddle, but this is his husband’s emotional well-being. He has to know.

Bobby tells Cas what he’s never told the boys. That John might be out of rehab and might not be drinking as much, but he quit counseling. He’s as much as an asshole as he ever was before—it was never the alcohol, just John—and he would definitely make a scene if he ever saw Dean.

Cas starts to see Dean’s viewpoint: it’s for the best, and John staying away is the kindest thing he’s ever done for Dean.

— They get a dog. And a house. And a little greenhouse in the back. And a film studio in the basement. And a big kitchen and dining room so they can entertain. It’s perfect.

— Believe it or not, they live happily ever after. There are still bumps along the way, but they handle them together. They’ve come out stronger of each trial, and are forever grateful to the people who helped them recover from the things that almost destroyed them.

 

* * *

 

**Bonus Scene:**

“… Why is there a brand new crockpot and like a million different ingredients all over the kitchen counter?” Dean asks as he pokes his head into the dining room. Cas has his camera out, though thankfully he’s not filming at the moment, and is pouring over a half dozen cookbooks all at once.

“I’ve got some new followers who keep asking for crockpot recipes.” He stares at Dean over the books. “I have never even  _used_  a crockpot in my life. How am I supposed to come up with  _recipes_?”

“Then don’t?” Though he does see a few that look kinda tasty, now that he looks at the cookbooks. “They’re your videos. You do whatever you want.”

Cas levels Dean a glare. “You don’t think I can do this, do you?”

“…  _What_?”

“Dean, what’s the one thing I’m good at?”

“… I mean, I like that tongue thing you do-”

“Cooking,” Cas interrupts. “I’m good at cooking and baking. I didn’t even  _realize_  there was this whole world of crockpot cooking I’ve been neglecting. How can I call myself a cook if I don’t at least  _try_  it?”

“Very easily? You’re an awesome cook-”

“As my husband, you’re required to support me in this.”

Dean raises his hands. “Babe, if you wanna go crazy over some crockpots, by all means, go crazy over them. I’m just pointing out you don’t  _have_  to. You are literally the best cook I’ve ever met, with or without the crockpots.”

Cas’ expression softens briefly. “Thank you.” Then he goes back to glaring daggers at the cookbooks. “But you’re a terrible cook so I can’t trust your opinion on this.”

“… Gee, thanks.”

Cas doesn’t respond. Instead he grabs a pen and starts making notes right on the glossy pages of the nearest cookbook. Dean knows that look, and he figures he better make himself scarce until Cas works this out. He goes back into the kitchen and starts washing and cutting the vegetables. At least this way he can help out.

 

**Author's Note:**

> ~~omg i forgot about that extra crockpot scene~~


End file.
